Marriage

I forgot when I felt like this was working towards marriage.
Whenever we spoke about it. 
I always got talked down. 
Do have this, do you have that? 
It always boils down to $$.
Which is the main problem.

He spoke to me about it just now over lunch.
Finally! He brought this topic up. 
But never fail to make me feel I'm being talked down again.

I'm happy. 
But the disappointment is more that happiness.

I should have just answer and said yes.
But I blew the whole matter up. 
And it went downhill again.

Maybe i should really try harder like he said.
Maybe I should try to think harder before I shoot my mouth in disappointment.

It's my fault again. 

Guess it's going downhill like before.

Pretty happy week

Started off this week on Good Friday. 
Went to mass and so on.. 
Come Saturday, 
We went to zouk because Andrew Chow will be spinning.
This guy is the legend. 
He was the resident dj of zouk when I was 19? 
And now at the age of 27, he's back there for a night. 
Oh! How I miss those times. 
I had a pretty good fun despite not having my khakis there.
He and I had loads of chats. 
We flirted.
We kissed passionately after so long.
I felt protected.
Must be the alcohol.
But who cares! 
As long as it happened. 
Come Sunday,
Well.. We slept in.. 
We ate. 
We slept..  What's new? 
I even kept quiet when he nagged.
Imagine the blood boiling inside. 
But alls well. 
He said sorry. 
I let it pass. 

Monday is here. 
I'm always reminded on how
I hated Mondays when I opened my eyes to welcome the day. 
Guess more entries to be made along this week. 
Till then! 

Love

Love?
Define love?
Many definition a for each and every couple.
To each its own.
But what's mine?
I'm so confuse right now.
Does he love Me?
Why does it seem like I need to trade each time I asked him for help?
I'm trying very hard.
I even swallow my pride and ego and bowed down.
But it's never good enough.
Now I guess I need to just be my single self.
Guess the more into I'm into him.
The sucker he becomes.
I need to love my life my own.
I'm done living my life to please him.
Because what I've done is not getting me into marriage.
I'm just being played.

Killer words

What can kill a relationship? 
They are what you use everyday. 
We were talking normally as usual
But somehow, he didn't like the way I put certain things.
He deemed it as a 'demand', when I don't even meant it that way. 
It's so stressful to be with him. 
Every word I said is being judge upon.
Every actions of mine is being judge. 
Stress level: Maximum
When he doesn't like the way I say things, 
He'll use words to hurt me too. 
Why's that so? 
I don't see myself ever getting married 
Or even close. 
Its judgement everyday for me.
I've to be very careful not to make a mistake.
I've to not let him do anything for me
Because he will only expect something in return. 
Maybe it's time this relationship stop. 
But how do I do it? 

a blue moon

Its been ages since i wrote anything.
Just had this urge to do it now.
Looking at the past journeys my life, 
I can confidently say " I've come so far".
All the obstacles, all the failed relationships
and the number of jobs I've tried. 
All these made me who i am today.
What i am is what I've been through.
Given a chance, i might not want to change some of it.

I want to change those events that made me a very unhappy girl.
i want to forget i ever was cheated on.
i want to forget that i was abused.
i want to forget all of it that made me subconsciously  became a girl i barely knew.

On this very day,
I've been in a fairly new relationship for about 8 months now.
Its been a difficult one.
We argue over the slightest thing.
Well, we both are stubborn to begin with and we have a temper of a bull.
We love each other but we never seem to agree on anything.
I, am afraid things of the past will repeat itself and ruin it all for me again.
He, is having a difficult time pleasing me. 
I, am afraid to trust fully.
He, is a victim of my distrust.
I, do things rashly.
He, irritates the hell out of me when he says he needed time to cool off and just left me alone.
I, just needs him to spend a little more time to coax me.
He, spending lesser time doing that.

Its hard to ignore the fact that he's getting more irritated by me now.
Its hard to believe things will still work out fine.
Tears well up my eyes just by the thoughts of it.
I know i need to prepare for the day that i'll lose this relationship but somehow i don't know how and don't want to.

I am trying my very best. I hope what I'm willing to put my pride and ego down is worth it.
All i want is one who is willing to marry me for who i truly am, because that will change everything.
But no one will know.
Because he sees only whats happening now and not what could happen then.
The negativity that he sees of me is heartbreaking.
Its killing me inside.